


Empty Air

by forgetmenotjimmy



Series: Spaces [2]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Anal Sex, Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Hate Sex, Hurt, Injury, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Rough Sex, Some comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 18:22:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16728546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetmenotjimmy/pseuds/forgetmenotjimmy
Summary: Matt and Kelly grapple with each other, reaching for someone who isn’t there anymore.





	Empty Air

Staring at the bottom of his glass, Kelly contemplated the sliver of scotch left. He tilted the glass a little, watching the liquid swill and tried to clear his head. The bar was quiet this time of day, he had plenty of time to get his thoughts in order. Everything was so fucked up. Over and over he saw the flash of red and felt the swoop of guilt. His pocket vibrated and slowly, reluctantly, he pulled out his phone.

_Do I need to get tested?_

His fingers tightened on the glass reflexively and he forced his shoulders down. Wincing at the pull of his bad shoulder, he downed the last of the scotch and signalled to the bar tender. There was nothing he wanted to do less than answer, but ignoring the question would be a pretty shitty thing to do, even for him. Especially considering what he’d done earlier that day. Regret gnawed away at his insides and itched in his brain. Why had he done it? How could he have fucked things up more than he already had? He typed his reply and accepted the top up, hoping that this glass would wash out the taste of sweat and cum and tears.

_Sure._

Matt stared at his phone. Really? That was it? He gulped and closed his eyes as the sense-memory of Kelly’s bruising lips on his came back to him. Taking a deep breath, he researched a free clinic a reasonable distance away from his home and work. He couldn’t afford the questions that would come if he applied for the tests through his insurance. Part of him didn’t want to believe that Kelly had given him anything, but his pragmatic and fatalistic side had always been strong. They hadn’t used any protection and with the way his luck had been going lately…

Another wave of grief washed over him and he shoved his laptop onto the coffee table, burying his face in his hands. It was erring on the cold side in the house, the hairs on his arms standing up but he just couldn’t get up to switch on the heating or grab a sweatshirt. Curling up on the couch, hugging his knees to his chest in a way he hadn’t done since he’d been a child, Matt let himself cry. Andy was gone. Hallie was gone. And Kelly…Kelly was gone too, in a way. Present, but distant, when he wasn’t lashing out. Somewhere in his mind, Matt knew that Kelly was hurting just as he was, even more since he’d known Andy for longer. He was just trying to lessen his guilt by blaming Matt for his best friend’s death.

The trouble was, Matt blamed himself too. He should have reached out and grabbed him, shouted more orders. When had he become so relaxed as to fail to check protocol was being followed? He was a Lieutenant and he’d let one of his men die. Andy was dead and it was his fault. He would never be able to forget the flames engulfing his friend: the scream, the smell of smoke, the heat and the primal fear. He’d never forget, he’d never recover. And he didn’t deserve to.

 …

They’d avoided each other before the funeral. Like two planets orbiting a scorching sun they’d circled and eyed each other while pretending not to see. Their eyes met through the sea of black. One of them looked away, unable to stand the barely-contained rage. The rare occasions they interacted were explosive. Whilst they tried to ignore each other, sometimes the anger grew too much and they couldn’t help themselves. Boden chewed them out for going at each other at the firehouse, as he should. If it were either of their men acting that way, they would have done the same. Still, the reprimand burned. Matt was still thinking about it after shift ended. Bone tired, he just wanted to sleep but he knew that it wouldn’t come.

Without knowing exactly what he was expecting, Matt got in his truck and drove over to Kelly and Shay’s. He just needed something. He didn’t know what but he knew Kelly could give it to him. Kelly opened the door and almost did a double take. Matt swallowed, forcing his way through the sudden awkwardness.

“Out with it.” He ordered, trying to ignore the way his old friend’s face hardened. “Whatever you gotta say, let’s do it now.” Kelly looked like he was about to punch him and Matt froze, mind going blank. Then he was being pulled forward by his shirt and Kelly growled in his ear.

“Got a better idea.” The door slammed shut and he was being pressed into the wall, hard muscle crowding him and Kelly’s mouth wet on his. Responding automatically, Matt kissed back and plunged one hand into Kelly’s hair, snaking the other down to his ass. He squeezed and Kelly gasped into the fierce kiss, biting down on Matt’s lower lip. Grunting and feeling almost lightheaded with the intensity, Matt tried to push back, create a bit of space so he could think. Kelly didn’t let him, holding him fast and beginning to worry at their clothes. As they broke apart, Matt gasped.

“Kelly! Wa-uuhhh…” Sucking on his left earlobe and palming his stiffening cock, Kelly expertly reduced his words to moans. _Damn._ Matt cursed himself distantly, still swimming in pleasure. _Should never have let him know how much I love that._ A little dazed, he let himself be pushed further in to the apartment, stumbling slightly. His belt was undone and his pants were open and then the air was knocked out of his lungs. He blinked, realising that he was now sprawled on the couch. Levering himself up on his elbows, he saw Kelly fumbling with a drawer before those ice-blue eyes found his again. Feeling a small thrill of fear underneath his desperate arousal, he did what he always did when he was afraid: took control. As soon as Kelly was back in range, he grabbed hold and began attacking his neck with teeth and tongue. Kelly grunted and fisted a hand in his hair, hard enough to hurt, but didn’t pull him away. Matt reached out to the side, groping for a body that wasn’t there. His eyes burned but then hands fumbled with his underwear and slick fingers were wrapping around his cock. He moaned, thrusting his hips up as his fingers flexed, digging into Kelly’s back. Kelly tensed and then he pulled back, grabbing Matt’s legs to turn him over. Realising what was happening a second too late, Matt had to go with it, a protest dying on his lips. He was adjusting his grip on the arm of the couch when two fingers plunged into his asshole without warning. Choking in surprise, Matt’s eyes widened and he bucked involuntarily, half-turning before a hand caught his shoulder. He could see a sliver of Kelly’s face but couldn’t meet his eyes. The fingers began moving and someone whispered in his ear.

 _Relax, you got this._ Gulping down a sob, he realised that it was Andy’s voice, from a long time ago. He let himself be pushed back around and his eyes began to burn. Trying to keep his breaths steady, he squeezed his eyes shut. Another slick finger joined the first two and brushed against his prostate. Matt gasped, body twitching in pleasure. He absently noted that his face was now wet. Suddenly the fingers were ripped out, replaced by something big and blunt. Fingers digging into the couch arm, Matt barely felt the firm hands clinging to his hips as Kelly eased himself in as far as he could go. It was hard work and both of them were panting heavily before Kelly groaned.

“Oh God! Fuck yeah, so good.” He began to move and focusing on the burn, Matt pushed the phantom voices and sense-memories down. After a while, he managed to get to that place in his head where everything just turned into information. It was how he dealt with emergency situations. Floor unstable? Pull back and find another route. Fire too hot? Report and retreat. Victims pinned? Call for back up and begin attempting rescue. Injured? Push past the pain and keep on going.

Matt catalogued the sharp pain and burning sensation in his asshole, the bruising fingers on his hips, the rough fabric of the couch on his palms and knees and he breathed. His adrenaline spiked and his heart raced but the disjointed agony and confusion he’d been feeling was being overwhelmed by his usual crisis-calm. This, he could handle. Finally, Kelly groaned and came, hips jerking before coming to a stop.

Panting heavily, Matt struggled to keep his eyes open. He was still hard, but didn’t feel the urgent need to cum. Kelly collapsed partially on top of him, breath warm and weight reassuring. Matt couldn’t help but relish the feel of their skin pressing together, memories of better times beginning to resurface; but even as he lay there, Kelly’s nose pressing into one of his shoulders, he was still aware of the empty space between them. After a nice few minutes, Kelly got up. Matt mourned the loss of contact. The change also brought to his attention the rapidly cooling sweat all over his body, trickling down uncomfortably, though God…not as uncomfortable as the cum slowly leaking from his asshole. Fuck. How could he have been so stupid to not have insisted they be safe? He coughed and wiped his sweaty forehead. As he shifted to pull his pants up, sharp pain bolted through him and he winced. From his peripheral vision, he could see Severide doing the same, before turning away.

“Kelly, I…” Embarrassed that he genuinely couldn’t think of what to say, he didn’t know how to feel when he saw Severide not even pausing to listen. Instead he called flatly, loping up the spiral staircase.

“You know the way out.” Matt heard a door opening and shutting. Okay. So that was that. Breathing in deeply and trying to swallow around the lump in his throat, Matt finished sorting his clothes out and stood, legs feeling weak. He limped out of the apartment, wincing as he felt his underwear begin to dampen. He had to get home…he held back a groan as he realised that driving was going to be Hell. Shuffling out of the elevator, he jumped as he recognised Shay checking the mailbox. She looked like she’d just been on a run, a little sweaty and breathing a little heavily but seeming energised.

“Hey Matt.” she greeted him, sounding pleased but confused. She, as did everyone else at 51, knew that he and Severide were still at odds. He smiled awkwardly, moving around her as naturally as possible, trying to keep the pain off his face.

“Hey. Gotta run, see ya.” Not daring to chance a glance back to see how she’d reacted to his obviously rushed exit, he forced himself to walk calmly to his truck. Sitting down, he couldn’t help a small cry of pain and it took him a moment to calm his heart rate and focus his mind enough to drive away.

In the bathroom upstairs, Kelly shed his clothes and jumped in the shower, trying not to look as he hurriedly scrubbed himself clean: cleaning away the sweat and cum and... His shoulder was acting up and for once he focused on that pain. Anything to distract him from the moment he’d pulled out and seen red and brown on his cock. Absurdly, the first thing to come into his head was a memory of Andy’s teasing laughter. _This is why you plan ahead, bud!_ Then, confusion: had the condom split? Then the horror of realising both that he’d made Casey bleed and that he’d fucked him bareback had hit him. Ignoring whatever it was that his friend had been going to say, he’d scurried away like the trash he was. Taking an extra-long time, wincing occasionally at his shoulder and the growing bruises from their tussle, Kelly tried to push everything out of his mind.

The water began to run cold so he reluctantly got out and dried himself in broad, rough strokes. He dressed in sweats, heading for the stairs before belatedly heard movement from Shay’s room. She came out and greeted him before he could escape.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” She was looking at him expectantly. “So…?” Playing dumb never worked with her and yet he always tried.

“Huh?”

“I saw Casey as I was coming up. What did he want?” _Good question_. Caught unprepared, he blurted out the first thing he could think of.

“Just dropping something off, didn’t stay long.”

“Yeah, he seemed a bit… squirrelly. Did you guys fight again?” _Come on Kelly, we gotta befriend the poor kid. Look at those big blue eyes, don’t they break your hea-_ Furiously, Kelly shut down the unbidden memory and snapped.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Shay held up her hands in mock-surrender.

“Alright.” Then she lowered them and pointed to herself. “But if you ever do.” Kelly sighed.

“Yeah, I know.” He retreated to his room and looked around. It was still too early but God he needed a drink. Knowing he’d only worry Shay if he poured himself something that they had in the apartment, he changed into some casual clothes and left for a bar he knew would be open.

Flashes of the encounter haunted him on the walk over. Casey’s warm body against his, strong fingers kneading his ass; back muscles rippling and choked moans as he was fucked deeper into the couch. Now Kelly didn’t know if they were moans of pain or pleasure. God, he’d really hurt him. Why hadn’t the stubborn son of a bitch said anything? That was so like him. Saint Casey: enduring life’s hardships with hardly a whimper. Andy always said… Damn. Goddamn it all.

Taking a seat at the bar, Kelly ordered and waited impatiently for the drink, leg bouncing. Deep down he knew that he was being unfair. It wasn’t all Matt’s fault. But every time he saw him, he would automatically look for another presence beside him; only to remember and feel the piercing, terrible grief rip his heart again. He didn’t know how much longer he could stand it.

…

Taking a deep breath, Casey left the safety of his office and knocked on Severide’s door. Severide glanced up from his desk and jerked his head before turning back to his work. They’d managed to avoid each other the previous shift but Casey thought he should give this news face to face.

“The tests came back clean. Just thought you should know.” He didn’t mention how the clinic doctor had taken in the STI bloodwork request, bruises and anal tearing and told him about their sexual abuse survivors’ group. He’d tried to explain away the bruises through his work as a firefighter but she’d just raised an eyebrow at the finger marks on his left hip, visible when he’d raised his shirt for the blood draw. After a short battle of wills, he managed to escape with a leaflet which he quickly binned outside. All in all, he was very glad that he hadn’t used his real name.

“’Kay.” Standing at Severide’s door, feeling every bruise and pulse of shame from that encounter and seeing the man who hurt him, his friend, practically ignore him: it was too much.

“And I’m requesting a transfer.” He actually hadn’t made a decision about that. The idea had been kicking around his head since he’d woken up stiff and aching the morning after but starting the next shift, he’d realised just how much he’d miss 51. Working anywhere else would feel wrong and he knew that he’d hate it. On the other hand, Severide’s anger and resentment couldn’t be ignored. Their animosity had gone on too long already and everyone was being affected now. Matt couldn’t live like that anymore.

“What?” Surprised snapped Severide out of his ‘not-caring’ act. Hope bubbled in Casey’s chest, maybe this would be the catalyst for them sorting out this thing between them. He continued smoothly.

“House 43 has an opening for a Truck Lieutenant.” Severide tossed his pen down and turned more in his seat, voice raising.

“Are you crazy? You can’t–” He cut himself off and turned away. “Okay, whatever.” Without deciding to, Casey came in fully and closed the door behind him. Severide looked up, annoyance flashing on his face.

“We were all the blame.” Severide stood up, snapping.

“Get out.” Casey didn’t budge; instead he gathered all his courage.

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you honestly think I’m the reason Andy’s dead.” Kelly flinched, eyes wide and breath starting to speed up. Matt held his breath, heat rate increasing the longer Kelly just stared at him in silence. Then the tension broke as Kelly sighed, rubbing his forehead and muttering.

“This is all so fucked up.” Light-headed, Matt sank down onto the bed and Kelly sniffed, leaning against his desk.

“Yeah.” Kelly looked up, expression complicated and he said quietly.

“I can’t tell you when,” he gestured between them, “will be okay again, just…don’t leave.” Gulping, Matt nodded.

“Okay.” After a long moment, recovering his breathing, he got up and made for the door. Kelly grabbed his arm and Matt froze. Realising his error, Kelly coughed and loosened his grip.

“I’m sorry. You didn't deserve that.” Glancing out at the sleeping area briefly, he ducked in and pressed a barely-there kiss to the corner of Matt's jaw. Breathing in sharply, Matt squeezed his eyes shut. If he concentrated, he could imagine Andy's warm smile and dancing eyes. Forcing the grief down, he nodded again and Kelly let him go.

There were no easy fixes, but at least he knew now that they had a chance to get back some normalcy. One day they’d get there. Except, Matt thought, they’d never be able to forget the space Andy had left behind.


End file.
